My Labmates Want Me to Be Their Dealer

Dear Dora,

I have a great relationship with my boss, but others in lab aren’t so fortunate. Now, many of them expect me to use my relationship for their benefit (ask him to move group meeting, ask him for a new vacuum pump, etc.). I’ve worked hard to foster the relationship and am not crazy about the idea of doing the labs’ bidding. However, I feel like I’m in a bit of a pickle.

– Anna, Postdoctoral Fellow

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Dear Anna,

First of all, I would like to congratulate you for developing a great relationship with your boss, especially when others do not find it easy to get along with him. I can see that you want to make your lab mates happy, but you also want to maintain a good relationship with your boss. The problem is that if you keep asking for things on behalf of others, your boss will catch on quickly. For example, if you ask to buy a new item that you would not use frequently, it will be quite obvious that you have become the “ombudsman” for the group.  Then, you will ruin your relationship with your boss, and you will not be able to help your friends either.

My suggestion is to ask for things that you believe are reasonable and can be justified. If your research would benefit from a new vacuum pump, you can approach your boss and explain to him why this purchase makes sense. On the other hand, if your friend would like the group meeting to be moved only because it would be more convenient for his or her schedule, then you can politely decline their request. One way to put it would be:

“I understand that you would like to reschedule group meeting, but it is not right for me to ask for things on behalf of other people.”

If you truly want to help your friends, you can give them a few tips about how to ask for things successfully. You can follow up the above statement with something like:

“I think if you catch him at a time when he is not too busy, he is more likely to listen. Maybe he will agree to a group email to see how others would react to a new time for group meeting.”

It is possible that others will be disappointed if you do not ask for things on their behalves. In the long run, however, it will be more beneficial for them if they build their own rapport with the boss. After all, when they take a job after graduate school, you will not be there to negotiate for them.

This will also give you good practice in the art of saying “No”, a skill that can come in quite handy, especially in graduate school!

Dora Farkas is the author “The Smart Way to Your Ph.D.:200 Secrets from 100 Graduates,” and the founder of PhDNet, an online community for graduate students and PhDs. You will find links to her book, monthly newsletters, and discussion board on her site. Send your questions to [email protected] and keep an eye out for them in an upcoming issue!

Stay tuned for the next Dear Dora in two weeks!  In the meantime, check a few of Dora’s recent posts:

• Stealing, Guts and Deceit
• How to Leave, Balance and Publish
• Ethical Dilemmas, Micromanagers and that Evil Email.
• Authorship, Feuding and Career Doubts
• Starting a Family, Finding a Job and Managing Your Boss
• Dear Dora: Asking for a Raise, Picking a Lab and the Importance of Good Grades
• Isn’t Reviewing Papers My Boss’ Job?
• Dear Dora: Full-time Student (and Part-time Employee?)

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Submit your questions to Dora at [email protected], or use the comment box below!

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